The Veil

I’m sorry that you’re having to experience this, I truly am. A suicide note is a horrible thing to have to read and I know a bloody corpse is horrible too. I’m sorry. But I hope whoever is reading this will take time, have an open mind and an open heart. If not? Please fold it, leave and don’t tell anyone what you saw.

I was very excited about yesterday’s total eclipse. I had chosen to finally pop the question to Susan at the moment the moon crossed the sun. I wanted to spend my life with her. I loved her in all her good and all her bad; in her mind, body and soul. I know this sounds like a Hallmark card, but I mean it, and the reality of a life without her wasn’t much like a life at all. When I pulled into the driveway, her car was gone. At first I wasn’t worried; there was time to kill. I sent Susan a text to try to make her hurry up.

I could sit here and tell you about my wait, but it was boring for me and would no doubt be boring for you too. All I’ll say is that the eclipse came and went, the sun had begun to set and still she didn’t come home.

I never saw her alive again.

Roger, my mother’s neighbour, was the one who told me about the accident. He drove me to the hospital to see her body. She’d run her car into a ditch trying to text me back. A fucking accident and it was my fault. If I hadn’t sent that stupid message, maybe she’d still be alive and this wouldn’t be happening. I killed her. Her body was bruised all over and there were deep gashes all over her face. I cried. I’ve always been a bit of a crier. I kissed her cold lips and my tears dropped into the wounds and flowed down her face like a river between its banks. I placed the gold ring I’d bought on her finger and left.

Things get better, you’ll understand me more later, but they do. Now, I must point this out: I have never touched alcohol or drugs and Susan’s death didn’t drive me to it, no matter what people will undoubtedly say, and guess what? I’m not a fucking mental case.

I had to go through all the formal shit of people comforting me; good intentions or not it was horrible. I went home that night and slept, deeper than I have ever done in my life. I just wanted to be alone. The next day, I woke early and I went downstairs. Everything was different, nothing was left in my life.

I lay on the settee and did nothing else. I’d love to say I screamed and cried for Susan, but I was completely unaware of the world around me, I was numb.

Please, please believe what I’ve got to say from here on. It sounds impossible, but I promise it’s the truth.

I slept and woke about three hours later. The radio was on in the kitchen. I went in to turn it off and Susan was sitting at the table looking at me, all of her scars and bruises gone. She was as beautiful as ever. She even had a rushed job of makeup on.

Shock is an understatement but I wasn’t afraid; it was Susan, after all. She didn’t say a word at first, she just raised her hand and smiled. The gold ring, it was there.

I’m not a drunk, I’m not a junkie and I’m definitely not crazy. She slowly rose from the chair and she kissed me and everything that was missing in my life came back for a moment. I could hear her voice: ‘I am yours, I am yours…’ Her lips stayed shut, yet her voice echoed in my head.

She was flickering, like some old movie projection. This didn’t last long and the spaces between her movements grew as though there were frames missing. Her voice began to fade and break up. In seconds she was gone, like she was on a bad line. That’s when I knew what to do.

You can say I was delusional, if you like. But I know what I saw and that’s all that matters to me.
I’ll be seeing Susan soon. I’ve got a gun and soon I will use it. The veil between me and Susan will fall, and I shall kiss my bride.

Goodbye.

© JOSEPH “JOE” GRAHAM, [2015].
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